Random Acts of Mediocrity, Volume 2

Dear Blondie,

Why is it that you ask me like once a month how to check your voicemail? You have been here for about...4 months now, shouldn't you know this by now? The last time you asked me, the convo went like this:

Me: Take at look at the Cheat Sheet I gave you when you started.
Blondie: *goes in office, then comes back to my office* What's my password?
Me: *blankstare* Umm...did you change it from the default?
Her: No, because nobody ever calls and leaves me a message
Me: Umm, ok. How do you know? Is the red light blinking on your phone?
Her: Yeah, but that's always on

*pause for PJ throwing a tantrum*

Today you ask me "Do you remember my password?"
Me: *sigh* No. Did you change it from the default?
Her: No.
Me: Then try 999, then your extension, then #
Her: What's my extension?

I nearly blew a gasket. I realize you don't ever call yourself. I realize that most people who call for you call your company cell phone or call the operator and get tranferred, but HOW IN THE HAYLE do you work somewhere for almost FOUR MONTHS and not know your extension?

OMG!!!!!! *faint* You can't even be serious! If you ask me ONE. MORE. TIME. about your dayum voicemail, voicemail password, extension, or anything else that I've ALREADY TOLD YOU, I'm writing you up. I ain't even joking. I'm FAserious.

Beanie Man

I "met" beanie man on my lunch break. Yup, not to be confused with Beenie "Girls Dem Sugar" Man, this was Beanie Man. As in the dude driving a car with beanie babies and other random stuffed animals lining this rear window, front dash and hanging from the rear view mirror.

As I made the left turn, he was in opposing traffing and proceeded to honk his horn and whistle out the window and scream "Ayy Ayyy Aye MAMA!!!" *blankstare* For real? That's what's hot in the streets? You hollering at women in your Grandmama's Corolla? I vote No. Try your holla once you take the Beanie Bucket back. SMH

Where dey do that at? Even if he was driving a "normal" car, what did he expect to come of that situation? Was I supposed to be so impressed by his whistling skills and be compelled to pull over and wait for him to bust a U-turn to come talk to me? For real? We are endangering our lives for a holla now? We are in MOVING traffic, all you're doing by honking and whistling at me, is distracting me. What if I scare easily? Good gracious, sometimes I wonder how Earth got so populated, some folks are just clueless.

You Sir, are an idiot.

Random Acts of Mediocrity, Vol. 1

So I'm the Office Manager (read=HR/Admin/AP/AR/Purchasing/Gimme money for soda/Remind me to eat lunch/Remind me to pick up my kids after soccer practice/It's my wife's birthday can you order flowers/Copier jammer fixer/toilet paper roll replacer/hit up Costco because we're out of silverware/and other duties as assigned...but I digress) for my company and of course, one of my duties is to recruit and process new staff.

We have a contract that officially starts on March 1 and we hired about 8 new employees to staff that contract. The guys start on Monday so that they can familiarize themselves with their new duties. Okay. The project is going to be performed in a building, on a military base, and that building is operated and secured by US Secret Service. Still with me? Okay. Since this is a contract position, I issued all of these new employees offer letters that clearly state that their offer is contingent on 4 things, one of which was a successful Secret Service background check. I brought all of the new staff in for a meeting last week and had them sign off on their releases for SS to conduct said background check. Now normally, I conduct my own, but in this case I know that SS bgc will be far more thorough than anything I would pull, so I just left it alone.

I had every reason to think that all of my guys would be fine. On their applications, a few of them had a few "colorful incidents", but none of them were major that they wouldn't pass the SS bgc, in my experience. So we forge ahead. On the release forms we provided last week, there is a trick question.

"Have you ever been arrested?"

Yeah, now I know that might throw some people and maybe cause a little confusion (insert *side-eye*) but I had faith that my new staff would all understand the question and answer accordingly.

Clearly, I over-estimate my brothers.

Today I got a call from a Secret Service rep and she (though she sounded like a man, it has been confirmed that she is, indeed, of female persuasion) said in a gruff voice "Mr. X has a violent felony...can't use him, gotta find somebody else."

I.

Am.

Livid.

Anybody that knows me KNOWS that I will go to war for one of my guys, pretty much against anyone, including my boss...so for me to get that call when I ASKED you simply..."Have you ever been arrested?" And you say "NO"...I'm pissed.

I'm pissed off to the highest point of pisstivity.

So, needless to say, he failed one of his contingencies and I must now rescind his offer.

Tricky.

Not for me, but for him. See, he decided to be colored when he got the job offer. Instead of putting in 2 weeks notice, he decided "Eff it, I'm just gonna work out the week and then tell them to KMA (with me?)" Sooooo...now it's Wednesday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got isht to do Craig!!!

My question is, HTF you gonna KNOW you have a violent felony on your record and knowingly take a job that requires a SECRET SERVICE background check? Even if you did this, why not wait until the BGC came back? So now you just lost your $80K job and you sitting there with your eyes watering saying "Ms. PJ, it ain't nothing you can do man? I need my job!" Pligga Nease. You shoulda thought about that before lying on your application and release form.

Now I sat there for a cool hour trying to write his "you know you dun fugged up right" letter, and for the life of me I couldn't come up with much more than:

Mr. X

Youse a dumbass. I hope you can get your old job back.

A good friend of mine came up with:

Dr. Violent Felon,

On That One Day, 2010, we offered you the Job Title position with This Company. This offer was contingent on the outcome of your background check. Although you informed us you had never been arrested, your background check shows that you have a violent felony on your record. It is for this reason that I have to rescind our previous offer. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. Being honest up-front may prevent your simple azz this type of embarrassment in the future. Good luck in all of your endeavors.

Signed,

Non-Violent Non-Violent

HA!!!

Once I got my giggles in, I wrote him a nice "form letter" and kept it moving. I can't be bothered with such negroidian behavior anyway.