We have a contract that officially starts on March 1 and we hired about 8 new employees to staff that contract. The guys start on Monday so that they can familiarize themselves with their new duties. Okay. The project is going to be performed in a building, on a military base, and that building is operated and secured by US Secret Service. Still with me? Okay. Since this is a contract position, I issued all of these new employees offer letters that clearly state that their offer is contingent on 4 things, one of which was a successful Secret Service background check. I brought all of the new staff in for a meeting last week and had them sign off on their releases for SS to conduct said background check. Now normally, I conduct my own, but in this case I know that SS bgc will be far more thorough than anything I would pull, so I just left it alone.
I had every reason to think that all of my guys would be fine. On their applications, a few of them had a few "colorful incidents", but none of them were major that they wouldn't pass the SS bgc, in my experience. So we forge ahead. On the release forms we provided last week, there is a trick question.
"Have you ever been arrested?"
Yeah, now I know that might throw some people and maybe cause a little confusion (insert *side-eye*) but I had faith that my new staff would all understand the question and answer accordingly.
Clearly, I over-estimate my brothers.
Today I got a call from a Secret Service rep and she (though she sounded like a man, it has been confirmed that she is, indeed, of female persuasion) said in a gruff voice "Mr. X has a violent felony...can't use him, gotta find somebody else."
I.
Am.
Livid.
Anybody that knows me KNOWS that I will go to war for one of my guys, pretty much against anyone, including my boss...so for me to get that call when I ASKED you simply..."Have you ever been arrested?" And you say "NO"...I'm pissed.
I'm pissed off to the highest point of pisstivity.
So, needless to say, he failed one of his contingencies and I must now rescind his offer.
Tricky.
Not for me, but for him. See, he decided to be colored when he got the job offer. Instead of putting in 2 weeks notice, he decided "Eff it, I'm just gonna work out the week and then tell them to KMA (with me?)" Sooooo...now it's Wednesday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got isht to do Craig!!!
My question is, HTF you gonna KNOW you have a violent felony on your record and knowingly take a job that requires a SECRET SERVICE background check? Even if you did this, why not wait until the BGC came back? So now you just lost your $80K job and you sitting there with your eyes watering saying "Ms. PJ, it ain't nothing you can do man? I need my job!" Pligga Nease. You shoulda thought about that before lying on your application and release form.
Now I sat there for a cool hour trying to write his "you know you dun fugged up right" letter, and for the life of me I couldn't come up with much more than:
Mr. X
Youse a dumbass. I hope you can get your old job back.
A good friend of mine came up with:
Dr. Violent Felon,
On That One Day, 2010, we offered you the Job Title position with This Company. This offer was contingent on the outcome of your background check. Although you informed us you had never been arrested, your background check shows that you have a violent felony on your record. It is for this reason that I have to rescind our previous offer. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. Being honest up-front may prevent your simple azz this type of embarrassment in the future. Good luck in all of your endeavors.
Signed,
Non-Violent Non-Violent
HA!!!
Once I got my giggles in, I wrote him a nice "form letter" and kept it moving. I can't be bothered with such negroidian behavior anyway.
LMAO @ the picture!!!
ReplyDeleteA mess!
ReplyDeleteROFL LMBAO!!!!!!!!
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