Random Acts of Mediocrity, Volume 2

Dear Blondie,

Why is it that you ask me like once a month how to check your voicemail? You have been here for about...4 months now, shouldn't you know this by now? The last time you asked me, the convo went like this:

Me: Take at look at the Cheat Sheet I gave you when you started.
Blondie: *goes in office, then comes back to my office* What's my password?
Me: *blankstare* Umm...did you change it from the default?
Her: No, because nobody ever calls and leaves me a message
Me: Umm, ok. How do you know? Is the red light blinking on your phone?
Her: Yeah, but that's always on

*pause for PJ throwing a tantrum*

Today you ask me "Do you remember my password?"
Me: *sigh* No. Did you change it from the default?
Her: No.
Me: Then try 999, then your extension, then #
Her: What's my extension?

I nearly blew a gasket. I realize you don't ever call yourself. I realize that most people who call for you call your company cell phone or call the operator and get tranferred, but HOW IN THE HAYLE do you work somewhere for almost FOUR MONTHS and not know your extension?

OMG!!!!!! *faint* You can't even be serious! If you ask me ONE. MORE. TIME. about your dayum voicemail, voicemail password, extension, or anything else that I've ALREADY TOLD YOU, I'm writing you up. I ain't even joking. I'm FAserious.

Hi!!! Welcome to Shoppers!!

So, you all know my disdain for grocery shopping, and today, I'll give you reason #363 why I need my own personal grocer.

I had to get 3 times for dinner tonight: honey, a lime, and red pepper flakes. I got out of my car at 5:00p and was in the express check-out line at 5:08. GREAT TIME! For once, I'll be visiting the grocery store (in PG county) without having a story to tell. Wrong.

As I approached the register, I noticed the pungent aroma of marijuana (doesn't matter how I know). I thought to myself "Wow, someone took 'Happy Hour' to another level", but I minded my business. As the person in front of the person in front of me (still with me?) left, I expected the chick in front of me to move up beyond the belt. She didn't. She stood there leaning over the belt to where I couldn't put my items on the belt. When he gave her the total, she looked up and was like "I'm sorry, can you take her first? I just can't" and slumped over the belt. The teenage cashier looked at me like WTF? And the nice person in me asked "Are you okay?" She said "I just feel like I'm gonna faint. I can't do it. Is there somewhere I can sit down?" So the cashier, in typical poor customer service fashion, sighed and pointed to a bench. She was like "I can't make it" So he comes around the register and looks at me and mouths "What do I do?"

*blankstare*

What part of my wallet in my hand and me putting items on the belt made him feel like he should direct that question to me...I dunno, but I grabbed one of her arms and he grabbed the other and we proceeded to walk her to the bench (which was like 5 aisles over and hidden by a display). Everyone is looking at us like WTF? And security stood at the door and watched. He didn't budge, didn't look concerned, didn't look like he was processing what his role should be in the situation, he just watched the show. We got about 2 steps from the bench and chick's knees buckled. Did I mention the chick had ME by about 20-30lbs?

*press pause*

I was in nursing school, and one of the things they teach you in your lecture and clinical courses is that there is a RIGHT way to let a "patient" fall. I knew exactly how to let someone slide down your leg to avoid injury to both yourself and your patient, but never in nursing school did they teach me how to let someone fall while holding a purse, a wallet, and red pepper flakes. Never.

*press play*

So I did what most people would do. I let go. I mean, I wasn't going down WITH her. She got herself up and on the bench and only then did security make his way over. Meanwhile, I and the cashier walk back over to the not-so-express lane. As he started ringing my items, he looks at me like it was his first time meeting me and says..."Hi, Welcome to Shoppers!"


Why come I can never have an uneventful shopping trip?

Random Acts of Mediocrity, Vol. 1

So I'm the Office Manager (read=HR/Admin/AP/AR/Purchasing/Gimme money for soda/Remind me to eat lunch/Remind me to pick up my kids after soccer practice/It's my wife's birthday can you order flowers/Copier jammer fixer/toilet paper roll replacer/hit up Costco because we're out of silverware/and other duties as assigned...but I digress) for my company and of course, one of my duties is to recruit and process new staff.

We have a contract that officially starts on March 1 and we hired about 8 new employees to staff that contract. The guys start on Monday so that they can familiarize themselves with their new duties. Okay. The project is going to be performed in a building, on a military base, and that building is operated and secured by US Secret Service. Still with me? Okay. Since this is a contract position, I issued all of these new employees offer letters that clearly state that their offer is contingent on 4 things, one of which was a successful Secret Service background check. I brought all of the new staff in for a meeting last week and had them sign off on their releases for SS to conduct said background check. Now normally, I conduct my own, but in this case I know that SS bgc will be far more thorough than anything I would pull, so I just left it alone.

I had every reason to think that all of my guys would be fine. On their applications, a few of them had a few "colorful incidents", but none of them were major that they wouldn't pass the SS bgc, in my experience. So we forge ahead. On the release forms we provided last week, there is a trick question.

"Have you ever been arrested?"

Yeah, now I know that might throw some people and maybe cause a little confusion (insert *side-eye*) but I had faith that my new staff would all understand the question and answer accordingly.

Clearly, I over-estimate my brothers.

Today I got a call from a Secret Service rep and she (though she sounded like a man, it has been confirmed that she is, indeed, of female persuasion) said in a gruff voice "Mr. X has a violent felony...can't use him, gotta find somebody else."

I.

Am.

Livid.

Anybody that knows me KNOWS that I will go to war for one of my guys, pretty much against anyone, including my boss...so for me to get that call when I ASKED you simply..."Have you ever been arrested?" And you say "NO"...I'm pissed.

I'm pissed off to the highest point of pisstivity.

So, needless to say, he failed one of his contingencies and I must now rescind his offer.

Tricky.

Not for me, but for him. See, he decided to be colored when he got the job offer. Instead of putting in 2 weeks notice, he decided "Eff it, I'm just gonna work out the week and then tell them to KMA (with me?)" Sooooo...now it's Wednesday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got isht to do Craig!!!

My question is, HTF you gonna KNOW you have a violent felony on your record and knowingly take a job that requires a SECRET SERVICE background check? Even if you did this, why not wait until the BGC came back? So now you just lost your $80K job and you sitting there with your eyes watering saying "Ms. PJ, it ain't nothing you can do man? I need my job!" Pligga Nease. You shoulda thought about that before lying on your application and release form.

Now I sat there for a cool hour trying to write his "you know you dun fugged up right" letter, and for the life of me I couldn't come up with much more than:

Mr. X

Youse a dumbass. I hope you can get your old job back.

A good friend of mine came up with:

Dr. Violent Felon,

On That One Day, 2010, we offered you the Job Title position with This Company. This offer was contingent on the outcome of your background check. Although you informed us you had never been arrested, your background check shows that you have a violent felony on your record. It is for this reason that I have to rescind our previous offer. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. Being honest up-front may prevent your simple azz this type of embarrassment in the future. Good luck in all of your endeavors.

Signed,

Non-Violent Non-Violent

HA!!!

Once I got my giggles in, I wrote him a nice "form letter" and kept it moving. I can't be bothered with such negroidian behavior anyway.

I can't stand the coloreds!!!!

So it came to pass that in the year 2010, when we are 1 year into an Obama Administration that the following things happen:

1) The first black, female mayor of Baltimore, MD is resigning due to a plea agreement stemming from a conviction of...stealing giftcards. Really? *sigh*
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2010/01/07/2010-01-07_baltimore_mayor_sheila_dixon_pleads_guilty_to_corruption_charges_resigns.html

2) Michael Jackson's televised funeral was nominated for a NAACP Image Award. *needle scratches the record* Excuse me? A FUNERAL? Like with a casket and a preacher and a DEAD PERSON? Come again? Even more baffling, it is listed as a "variety show".

3) On the same token, Real Housewives of Atlanta was also nominated. I wonder what sealed the deal for them? "Who gon' check me boo?" or was it "Tardy for the party"? GTFOOH NAACP!!! Who do you have doing your nominations Rush Limbaugh? Did they just write down every show with black people in it and compile a list of noms? They can SUTTM because they are now irrelevant.

4) Gilbert Arenas. *deep dramatic breath* So you bring multiple REAL guns to your JOB and store them in your locker because 1) you didn't want them in your house with your kids and then you decide to play a joke on your COWORKER who owes you money and 2) pull gun out and attempt to kid about the situation, you then 3) apologize and say it was a dumb joke and you realize that anything to do with guns isn't funny and you realize how immature it was. Then you go to a game and huddle in a circle with your teammates and point "finger guns" at them as another joke. WTF? Dude, you need a new sense of humor. And now you're apoloLYING again? How about this...go sit in a corner and think about the stupid isht you just did. Is it funny? I'm just saying. If I went to my job and pulled out a gun, I can guarandamntee you ain't a mofo in there is gonna think it's funny. I'd be fired. You simple ass. You're a multi-millionaire. You ain't got a safe? Or a locked room? Hell, you coulda bought a condo just to store your guns. YOU are the bama of the week. week. week. (Does anyone know what Huggy Low Down actually looks like? lol)

5) White House gate crasher number 3. *whispers* He's BLACK!!!
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2010/01/05/2010-01-05_third_uninvited_guest_crashed_white_house_state_dinner_in_november_secret_servic.html

Now I must admit, when the Salahi's crashed the State Dinner, I along with many other folks said something along the lines of "Now I bet if MY black ass tried to roll up in there, Secret Service would have had me locked up in some secret room strip searching me and giving me Chinese water torture to figure out HTF I did it." And here come DIS dude. Not only is he a black man, he's a black dude that wears Yankee fitted caps. Ain't this about a beyotch? He know his monkey-ass (see my intro post) ain't have NO business up in that dinner. And how come all these security breaches are happening all of a sudden? I bet heads would have ROLLED had this happened in a Dubya Administration. But I digress.

I think 5 instances are enough. I LOVE black folks, but I can't stand a colored. *walks away shaking my head in disdain*