What ever happened to the "Good Girl"? Where has she gone?*

*Not my words.

So yesterday a friend of mine posted this as his FB status message. At first read, I felt a little indignant because this is someone that I love and actually dated for a bit, so I'm like "Huh? What is he trying to say?" I felt like it was a dismissal of me and any other good "girl" in his life. I felt invisible. So I and several of his other friends exchanged a little witty banter about the subject, but it all boils down to the fact that sometimes, in life, the good "girl" or "boy" is looked over.

Outside of the movies, the good girl might not have the perfect body or perfect hair and makeup or a flashy wardrobe. The good girl might not always come from the best family and volunteer on her off-days or be a member of an elite sorority. She might not come with recommendations and at first glance, maybe your homeboys might not be racing you down to "holla". The good guy might not always have the chiseled abs and perfect teeth and fat bank account. He may not drive a flashy car or have the latest gadgets or threads and he might not necessarily be a heart-throb. Does that mean they don't exist?

The issue is that for a lot of men (and women), we don't recognize the "good" in people until we are ready to settle down and make a lifelong commitment. When we're ready to do that, all of a sudden, her hair and makeup isn't so important. Then you decide that her ability to keep a nice home and be a good mother is what comes into play. When they decide they want a wife, it doesn't much matter than the "boys" aren't necessarily checking for her, in actuality, you would prefer that they didn't look at her in that way. When you're dating and having fun, you want a freak. But when you're all freaked out and want love...you look for the good girl, but then you realize your perception is all skewed. Then you need to sit back and re-evaluate what is important to you. This is not just for men, women...even ME (yes me, lol) are guilty of this.

There is no shortage of good women and men out there, the question is whether or not you're even checking for them. The qualities that are important to you change as you grow older and wiser and as your experiences change. So I think the question is shouldn't be, "what happened to the good girls/good guys?" But more..."Am I ready for her/him" and if I am, what am I doing to attract them?

Weeds serve NO purpose in your garden

(old blog)



So in my garden (life) I have quite a few pretty roses, a few rosebuds and more than my share of dandelions. Let’s break this down. A dandelion in itself is harmless at first look, it may be kinda cute, SOMEBODY out there thinks it’s kind of nice to have around, and it might even add a little “color” to the garden…but make no mistake about it, a weed by any other name is STILL a weed.

If they serve no purpose…they need to go, because they are just taking up useful space. But, you have to be careful how you deal with the weeds in your garden. You don’t want to become “bitter” and over-zealous and spread “pesticides” over your entire garden because you will ruin and kill the roses and rosebuds…no, you don’t want that. You also don’t want to waste valuable time cultivating and treating weeds like you treat your precious roses when they don’t appreciate it, don’t respond and under the surface are choking the life out of the rest of the garden. So what do you do?

Once you have positively identified a weed, you need to determine the “danger level”, determine the source and take protective measures. If you have a healthy garden, a weed or two might not pose much of a problem…do a spot-check here and there and take care of those few weeds and keep it moving. If your garden is overgrown with weeds…then maybe you need to step back and determine why your garden is under attack. What is it that makes YOUR garden so attractive to the weeds? If you have treated your garden by “spot-check” before and seem to keep having the SAME type of problem, then maybe you need to take more drastic measures. Maybe you need to re-evaluate the “fertilizer” you are using. *go figure* I said all that to say this…no garden is EVER completely free from the weeds among us, but ignoring them only leads to bigger problems in the long run.

I need to get my garden under control…how about you?

Nothing left to say

So the past few weeks I've been feeling pretty sentimental for several different reasons and when that happens, I tend to turn on the music, light some candles and write it out. Well the other night I came across a song (by one of THE best bands ever) that I've heard several times but had never really LISTENED to. I was intrigued and I looked up the lyrics...here are several lines (listen here: http://www.imeem.com/people/s6fsMuB/music/XVy4nbAO/mint_condition_nothing_left_to_say/ )

Nothing left to say- Mint Condition

Love was so strong
At least at the beginning
Who would've thought
there'd ever be an ending
We had it all
But it's like we've run into a wall

Now we try to talk
but just end up fighting
try making up
but there's just no denying
Jus' ain't the same no more
what are we putting ourselves through all this for

you talk and hear me
but you can't communicate
cause you're not lis'ning
know these are two different things
now I see what it means to have been
blinded by the one you love so deeply
cause,

The very things that made me love you
are the things pushing me away (now)
in tears we stand here
with nothing left to say

And all I could do for you
I should've done before (now)
In tears we stand here
There's nothing left to say

You touched my heart
and were so giving
spirit so free
you threw me in it
I fell so deep
I could not see my life
without you in it

Girl you gave me
alot of attention
Somehow the feeling turned
into crazy possessive
It was always there
But I didn't look deeper
If I would've I'da seen a limit
---

Dayum. Makes me think...on two topics in particular. Pardon my train of thought here...

When relationships or other partnerships dissolve, it's easy to see what the other person did wrong. It's easy to say that they weren't meeting your needs or weren't pulling their weight, but how often do you step back and look at yourself? Maybe your partner doesn't pick up on non-verbal clues or hints or maybe they just DON'T know what's wrong...even if you think they should. Before anything else, we are all individuals who are guided by our own predilections and we have to learn how to love other people and be a partner in a relationship. You have to be verbal about what you want and need and won't stand for in a relationship...that way there is nothing left up to "interpretation". Sometimes we can be so wrapped up in us and what we need and what we aren't getting, we forget that our partners have feelings too and it's just not about us all the time. We forget that people (especially men, lol) don't come with this ingrained chip to know what to do and say at all the appropriate times. I've been guilty of not voicing what I need and then becoming increasingly bitter about why I'm not getting it. When you get to that point, you can't operate because you're not thinking about what YOU'RE bringing to the situation and how YOU can make it better, you're only focusing on the lack of xyz. I could drone on and on...but I won't.

The second thought that came up while listening to this song over and over and over was that sometimes we see what we want to see. People tell you what they are and what they want time after time again, even if they don't "say" it. The very idiosyncrasies that make you scratch your head and brush off as endearing or a little "special" could be clues to just how things are going to play out down the road. That saying that "hindsight is 20/20" means that the clues were always there, you either didn't see them, or chose not to pay attention to them. You think it's cute when they call you 15 times a day and say that makes them interested in you and next thing you know they're hiding in your bushes. You brush it off when they don't do what they say they will do...until it becomes a bigger and bigger problem. Again, communication comes into play here as well. If there are certain topics that are off-limits in your relationship and that bother you, you have a decision to make. Do you want to continue to look the other way and let it fester...because it will, or do you want to address it head-on and suffer the consequences.

I dunno, I know this may not make sense to anyone else but me but I just wanted to share my train of thought. I'm FEELING this song, because I've been there, I am there...with nothing left to say. At some point in relationships/friendships/career situations, there is nothing left to say that hasn't already been said. I told you what I need, you told me what you're ready to give and we continue on the course it may as well be a mexican standoff, lol. I don't get how people can stay in limbo for weeks upon months upon years. Recognize what you can get out of the situation and if it suits you, fine...if not, then I guess there's nothing left to say...